Tuesday, January 17, 2012

We had a hard time last night. I slept on the couch again, so that I wouldn't give in to nursing Evelyn back to sleep when she woke up crying at 1am. And 2am. And 3am. And 4 am. Christopher was a trooper, rocking her back and forth on his shoulder for hours. I did it though- I stood my ground. Or... slept my couch, is more like it. But even though I wasn't up there in the cold bedroom with them, my eyes still popped open every time she shouted. And just the slightest movement- tossing, turning, itching my chin- hurt my bruised breasts so much I thought I might explode.

Christopher and I were fighting sometime in the late morning- lack of sleep, shaken emotions, stress from the move, strain from medical testings- over the stupidest thing, and just when I had buried my face in my hands and let out a nice loud "aaaarrrggghhh!", I paused, lifted my head from my tear stained fingers, and looked around the room for my son.

Its so easy to get caught up in the moment, and to forget about how it might be effecting the babies. I hate it when I do this. And lately, I do this a lot. I remember seeing my parents fight when I was a kid, and it was the very worst thing ever. Even worse than when Barbie's head popped off. Even worse than fire drill day on the school bus. Because as a kid- you can't escape it.

So I instantly shut if off, cleared my throat, changed my tone of voice, and asked "Charlie what are you doing?". He was laying on the floor between the ottoman and the couch, pillows and blankets piled on top of him, binky in his mouth. He was scared. And seeing this, and realizing that I we had made him feel that way, just slapped me straight in the face.

He mumbled something about cars and driving, I didn't understand any of it from the other side of his worn out pacifier, and then popped his head up so that I could clearly see his adorable puppy dog eyes.

"Come snuggle with me?" I asked.
"Okay" he simply replied.

And then he climbed up onto the couch, struggling to pull himself over the cushions with his ragged lovey in one hand and a fleece dinosaur blanket in another, he layed his head down in the folds of my legs, and in a whisper he said, "I'm loving on you".

I lightly drummed my fingertips from one end of his forehead to the other, and down around near his ear. I didn't realize that this would put him to sleep. I can't even remember the last time that he fell asleep in my lap like that- its been years. So I sat there, holding him. I listened to his breathing get heavier, until he was releasing a slight snore, but I still couldn't bring myself to move him. It was just too perfect. Being there entranced in a snuggle gave me time to block out everything else, and just think. Really think. About the way that I present myself to my children, and how I could maybe pay better attention to my on/off switch.

Sometime after a trip to the hospital for the last of some last-minute-before-we-leave-this-base tests, a trip to Dyess Elementary to pick up Miss Eleanore from another rockin' day of kindergarten, a trip to the post office to send off a package that is long overdue for a friend in Norway, and a trip to the commissary for the next 3 nights worth of dinner- I gave in and nursed the baby.

After going back and forth in my head all day, I came to the conclusion that its just too much right now. We're moving out of our house on Saturday- the only house shes ever known, goodbye bed, see ya later routine- maybe taking away the breast is just a little bit of overkill? She needs some sense of normalcy right now.

So I made a choice- only at night before bed, and in the morning upon waking. I will not feed her in the night (unless shes sick), and I will not feed her during the day (she can take a sippy or bottle). And slowly, over time, after we get settled into our new normal- maybe then we can try again?

Today was difficult. Just like yesterday was. But at the end of the day, we all shared a delicious meal together, finished our homework (even though we maybe rushed through it so that we could play with our new highlights calander that came in the mail), we played Lego Harry Potter, we read bedtime stories, and we thanked God for all of the things that we're blessed with.

And now Christopher and I are watching Ghostbusters 2, playing words, and drinking tea together. A nice little post chaos date. Also, I fully plan on carbo-loading now that my tests are over with. I've had enough facial numbness and star seeing for one day- bring on the honey pb rice cakes!

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