16/366

Today has been all over the place. All play, little chores. Which is probably the opposite of what we needed to be doing, but- then again, who decides that?

I say we play.

So we had leftover pumpkin oatmeal bake for breakfast, paired with perfectly brewed organic coffee topped off with freshly made almond milk. The weather outside was beautiful- almost like being on the Oregon coast- so whats a better thing to do, then go to the zoo? ...So much fun was had. Charlie especially, really went crazy. Being outside on a cloudy day (opposed to suffering the never ending showers of sunshine that we usually feel) is amazing for me and Charlie- it was like being outside for the first time ever. Watching his seemingly endless bounds of energy, the normalcy in skin color, the happiness in his high pitched toddler voice- God I wish it were cloudy more often.

I decided not to bring in my camera. This was probably our last trip to the Abilene zoo, and I just wanted to live it, rather than document it. I did whip out my phone for a few pictures here and there- because no matter how hard I try, I just can't resist- but my Canon stayed in between the seats on the floor in the car.

After the zoo, and a really exciting ride on a train, we made a detour to the Natural Food Store in town, for lunch.

This is something we never do. We never go out to eat. Ever.
But today it just seemed like the thing to do?



So the kids had rice and bean plates, avocado instead of cheese. Christopher had a big giant gluten free burrito. And I had a blueberry smoothie- hold the yogurt, gimme almond.



Something about the way that the smoothies come in styrofoam cups with fancy straws and lids- it just makes me feel fancy. Aaaand I took a picture of it?



But what our day has really been about, is weaning the baby. Its something that I've been needing to do for a few months, and yesterday I made the decision. Its time.

We put her to bed last night like usual, and then- that was it. I slept on the couch so that when she woke up in the night, I wouldn't be there to make it harder. And I held strong all day long. It wasn't until this evening that my heart really started to hurt.

Nursing is something that we've done since she was born. She latched on immediately, and its been a part of our beautiful relationship ever since.

So to take that away from her- ugh, its just killing me.

She wasn't herself today at all. I can tell that she feels unloved. Shes hurt. Shes angry. Shes confused. She cries out for it, but all I can do is hold her. She rests her head on my shoulder and moans, almost like she asking me "why Mommy?! Why not?!". When I nurse her, I usually run my fingers through her hair. And its something that irritates her, she almost always pushes my hand away. But today, while I was holding her in my lap, she reached over and grabbed my hand, and pulled it up to her forehead and cheek.

I think that was the moment that it hit me- how hard this is. I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

I hate to hurt my baby.

She took a few sips of apple juice from a sippy cup before bed tonight, something that shes never done before, but I know that shes dehydrated and hungry, since she refused to eat or drink just about everything that we've offered her.

Give it another day. She'll get hungry enough. She'll get thirsty enough. She'll come around.

And all I can do is hope and pray and believe that she'll understand. I still love her. This isn't a punishment. She needs more nutrition than I can provide her with. Its time for me to have my body back, and time for her to grow hers.

Fingers crossed that we make it through the night. Fingers crossed that we make it through tomorrow.