Thursday, October 13, 2011
Something I've suffered with for months, years even- is identity crisis. I was constantly looking at other women and comparing myself to them- admiration, jealousy, insecurity. I went from black hair to blond hair to purple hair to highlighted hair to red hair to brown hair to-
And then one day I decided that I'm going to love myself.
Over the last year I've really pulled myself out that awful rut that I was stuck in, and I've worked hard on simplifying my life. I cut out the things that I knew were weighing me down (foods, projects, distractions, fake friends, and unfortunately even some family that I still love, but simply cannot let bring me down), and I started to focus on the things that make me happy, and make me feel like a good person.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again and again and again- until my voice is hoarse. I want to be a wonderful mother. I want to be the best mother to my babies. Not mother of the year, not better than so-and-so's mother, but- the best mother, to them.
I want to be a good wife. I want my husband to want to come home after work. I want him to love me, and love spending time with me. I want him to find happiness both with me, and without me. I want to accept that we don't agree on everything, and let the arguments slide. I want to grow old with him.
You know what I've wasted a lot of time on?? ...vanity. Haven't we all? And a few months ago, I just got sick of it. Sick of having to color my hair. Sick of having to pay for haircuts that I would come home and hate because I thought it made me look fat (because thats all that I saw). Sick of feeling the need to spend top dollar on products that would smooth away this frizz, or control that curl. And speaking of curls- how many hours of my life have I wasted blow drying, curling, and straightening?? Seriously- thats time that the bathroom mirror has gobbled up, that I'll never ever get back.
How do women do it?! I just don't understand!!
I found myself fascinated by pictures of women with dreadlocks. One picture in particular that I can remember- a mother sitting in a vintage floral patterned chair, the sunlight coming in through the window and bouncing off of her beautiful porcelain skin and long bleached locks- holding her baby in her lap, her arms wrapped tightly around him, while reading him a story. And I think it was the expressions on their faces that really made my heart sink. Something went off in my head, and it just felt right. That picture made me happy.
Over the next couple of days I became obsessed with the idea of it. I can't even tell you how many times I got lost in a search engine, bouncing from one picture to another. All of these women were so beautiful. Their faces were so soft, and I could almost feel their warmth coming through my screen. I felt such a strong connection to these women that I had never met, and knew nothing about. Maybe not a connection, but, a pull, of some sort?
I talked it over with Christopher. I weighed my pros and cons a million times. I did my research. And then we decided- its time to ditch the dyes, the products, the hassle... its time for me to get dreadlocks.
I waited. I waited and waited and waited. I didn't even so much as want to tell my best friend, because I didn't want to hear anyones reaction. Its kind of a big deal, right? I wanted time to just sit on the idea. I wanted to know that this is what I truly wanted. And as time went on, I colored my hair back to my natural color, I stopped using all of the products, I stopped blow drying and straightening- and one day after a shower I stared in the mirror, and something looked different.
Well first of all, I was seeing me, which is sometimes hard to look at, but something I need to do. The real me. Not a fake, made up version of myself. And second of all- "Christopher, what did I do to my hair to make it look like I have dreadlocks?".
Ummm... well I hadn't brushed it for 2 months, for starters, hah! My hair had taken the hint.
...And thats when I knew that this is what I really wanted. I hadn't originally planned on going the "neglect" route, so I painfully brushed the knots and tangles out, but- by that point I was craving my dreads so bad, I hated to look in the mirror at the old Tia, and I so badly wanted to see who I feel I really am.
And then the whole seizure thing happened, and I knew I had to wait until after Dallas, because of all the electrodes they'd put on my head.
Well I'm back from Dallas now, so theres nothing in my way-
My bestie Alexis stepped up to the plate (again), and we spent hours and hours together, saying goodbye to all of the vanity issues that I've been wanting to shrug off of my shoulders, and when it was all said and done, I drove home from her house, stopped the car in the middle of the road for crossing deer, and layed down and went to sleep next to my amazing husband, knowing that things were just as they should be.
This is going to be a long journey. My version of beautiful might be different from theirs. But right now, in this moment- I feel beautiful.