This Might Not Make Sense

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I tend to sneak up on moments. I'd like to say that they sneak up on me, but a lot of times I see them coming, and I prepare myself appropriately. They're not my moments. They're the moments that happen between Evelyn and Eleanore. Eleanore and Charlie. Charlie and Evelyn. Eleanore and Christopher. Everyone around me. But by watching their moments the way that I do, they then become my moments.

My heart opens up to them, and I let love in. Their love is my love, after all.

I certainly don't do the dishes for an hour every night because I love it. I do it because I love them. And because they love me. And because they love each other.

Sometimes, but not always (not when I'm upset, at least), I feel like watching them love each other, is their indirect way of loving me.

Is this making sense?
My house is clean, so my brain is able to wander tonight.


Hidden behind a pile of Hundred Acre Wood Friends, knees pressed to the play mat, chex crumbs imprinting a pattern into my skin- I see Charlie reach for Christopher's hand.

Hes leading him into the living room, hoping that they can sit together on the cluttered couch and watch a cartoon.

He grips his Daddy's finger tightly. Not wanting to let go. Because if he does, then he might lose his attention. Maybe sister will grab him, maybe he'll stop along the way and pick up the baby, maybe he'll run off to work- because sometimes he does that without any warning.

And all Charlie wants to do, is watch a cartoon.

Everything is difficult for Charlie right now. He feels constant pain in his stomach, a diagnosis has yet to be given. He feels constant jealousy towards his sisters, who flaunt the color pink alongside their unbeatable smiles. Hes commonly misunderstood, and sometimes finds himself lonely in his own home.

And all Charlie wants to do, is watch a cartoon.
And he wants to watch it with his Daddy.

As they go, Charlie drops Daddy's hand. Such a little boy, filled with so much emotion.

Why can't he spend all his time with me?
Why can't we watch Wonder Pets forever?
Why don't we play cars and trucks and trains every moment of every day?

He gets mad. He gets frustrated.

And then he pushes his Daddy away.

All Charlie wants to do, is watch a Cartoon.

So by watching the story unfold in front of me, from the comfort of my distance, I got happy when they started walking away together. I felt tension as Charlie reached for Christopher's hand- how would Daddy react? I felt beauty, when I saw the way that he was only able to hold a single finger- my baby boy is still a baby. I felt relief when I saw that Christopher didn't release- the need for affection was mutual. I held my breath, as Charlie dropped his hand- I understood his jealousy.

But when I saw Charlie push onto Christopher's leg the way that he did, in order to let him know that he was upset, expressing it with touch- I realized that our family full of a lot more than love. Our family is full of feeling.

And it made me want to do the dishes. It made me want to cook a meal. It made me want to go sit on the couch with the boys and watch a cartoon that I can't stand because I've seen it so many times.

It made me want to do all of the things that I need to do, in order to let them do the things that they need to do, in order to see the little moments like that- in which I realize that it wouldn't hurt to give an extra 5 minutes here, an extra half hour there, and extra hug and kiss and tickle tickle tickle see my family love each other (and feel), and in turn, love me.

...If that makes any sense.

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