Sunday, November 21, 2010
This was by far, one of the worst weekends in my memory.
So terrible, and so ridiculous, that at one point, during one of my many tear streaked breakdowns-
Between my sons nearly choking to death on a pretzel in the middle of a tantrum, and his completely out of nowhere allergic reaction to hazelnuts. Somewhere after my husband got called in to work another 12 hour weekend shift, for the second weekend in a row, but before his scooter broke down on his way home, while the kids were waiting in their pajamas for him to walk through the door and read them to sleep. Probably riiiight around the time when I opened up the fridge and stared at the half empty can of pumpkin and the drawer full of almond cheese, wondering what I could make with the two of them, since I had literally no way to get to the store, since we couldn't go car shopping this weekend, because someones gotta "keep em flyin"-
I started laughing, wondering if there was any way it could possibly get any worse.
And of course, it could.
It always can.
And so it did.
I can't even count all of the stupid status updated that I typed out on my cell phone keyboard, and then deleted because of how depressing and whiny they were, only to throw my phone into the couch cushions, and bury my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably, begging for a break, and feeling completely alone.
My head was spinning. My vision was blurry. My ears were ringing.
I sat down on the couch at the end of the night, eyes swollen and puffy from my mental mess, my glasses not even working anymore, clumsily undressing the baby to get her ready for bed-
and as I was lifting my robotic head after changing her neglected diaper, her gaze met mine, which erased the anger from my wrinkled up forehead, causing me to use my I'm-exhausted-but-I-still-love-you silly mom voice and loudly say, "I tickle tickle your tummy!"-
And she chose that moment, to open my heart- she laughed for the very first time.
My baby laughed! And she laughed for me!
So again, I cried. Water pouring down my cheeks, but more silently than the times before, and this time triggered by joy.
Not only did she laugh when I tickled her tummy, but she laughed when I tickled her cheeks. She laughed when I tickled her knees. She laughed when I tickled her nose.
She just kept, laughing.
I don't remember when Eleanore first laughed. I don't remember when Charlie first laughed. But I will always remember when Evelyn first laughed.
I tickled her until her laughter wore her out, and she fell asleep in my arms. And then rather than putting her down in her swing or bassinet, and rushing off to finish the dishes or tuck stuffed animal friends into their pretend cradles- I held her in my arms for the rest of the night.