Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I've always felt like a mediocre Mom. I grunt and groan when it comes to changing messy diapers, I get frustrated and snap at my 2 year old over nothing of importance, and I fantasize about running away with my camera to a rainy tropical island where plus size woman are worshiped. But in between all of that, I try my hardest to be the best mother that I can be. When my head clears, I remind myself "shes only 2, its not personal, calm down". I remind myself to mother my kids the way that I wish my mom had mothered me. I remind myself not to sweat the little things like the dishes or the mounds of laundry, because they will always be there, but the jack rabbit hopping across the street will not. So my kids play outside in diapers, or when I'm really feeling crazy, naked. We turn everything into a song, and speak with ridiculous accents for no reason. We bake sweets on Saturday mornings, and toss a handful of chocolate chips on top of a boring meal. While my kids are still young, I have to change. I grew up knowing that exercises was a punishment, vegetables were for snobs, and water was something you only used to bathe yourself with, or swim in. I know better now. I want my kids to grow up, knowing, that we can't laugh unless we exercises, our lips and eyes won't have color unless we eat our vegetables, and we'll dry up like grape-turned-raisins if we don't drink our water.
Nobody ever says "hey, you're a good mom". I don't earn any certificates for my job, like my husband does. I beat myself up over sending my daughter to bed with no lunch, because there isn't anyone to remind me that if I don't do it, nobody else will. Its been said countless times that there isn't a handbook for raising children, but when you're the one alone in a house with 2 small children for 5 days straight without leaving the house, you don't give a crap about whether there is a handbook or not. All you can think about, is how you've lost yourself in the madness of raising your children, how the air is too thick to breathe, how you've taken enough ibuprofen to sedate an elephant, and then feel guilty about feeling the way that you feel about the things that you can't change.
Yesterday out of nowhere, I got an email from a gal that wants to remain anonymous, but is most likely an Angel sent from Motherhood Heaven. It took me by such surprise, I sat here and read it 10 times before I was able to let it sink in... that I might not be as mediocre as I once thought?
"I just wanted to tell you that I wish I could be more like you. I check your blog as often as possible. I have two kids as well. My son is 2 1/2, and my daughter is just over one. I admire your motivation and your ability to write so well in your blog when you have so much going on for you. I don't know why I'm writing this, but I think you are great and I just wanted to let you know that".