A little bit of a postpartum rant...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Things are different. The way my brain works, the way my body goes through whats left of my old routine- even the way that I flip my pancakes. Everything, in every way possible (when it comes to motherhood, at least), is different.

Evelyn is one week old.

Today all 5 of us loaded up into the van, which takes plenty of planning ahead (get the AC started, grab sippys for toddlers, diapers for the un potty trained, water for the adults, snacks for everyone, you know the drill...), and drove down the freeway for a doctors appointment. Getting the kids inside the building, up the elevator, and into the office proved to be a challenge- and after we had done it, I tried to imagine how I would ever do it all on my own.

When the doctor delivered Evelyn, he cut out quite a big area of scar tissue, resulting in the mother load of surgical staples. For the past couple of days, those surgical staples, have turned into little torches- burning me every single time I move. Yesterday I literally pulled up my magnifying mirror, grabbed a pair of tweezers, and contemplated pulling the damn things out myself. ...I didn't, of course, I let the doctor do it today (half of them were infected, and I cried like a baby when he pulled the worst ones out)- but thats just an example of the turn that my sanity has taken.

Tomorrow is my oldest daughters 4th birthday. I have mom guilt, for not doing a better job of planning a celebration for her. I wrapped all of her presents while I was still pregnant, I (sort of) put together a party, which I've since cancelled and then (sort of) put back together. I never did decide what kind of cake/cupcakes to make. Y'all know I like to overdo things. And this time, since everything has been focused on the baby, I really wanted to make Miss Eleanore feel special.

Rather than renting out a private party at the Jump Around, a local bounce house place over by where we buy our health food, we're just paying the individual fees for her and some friends to go. Two of the girls that were going to attend came down with mono, we really can't afford over $100 anyways, and having a party on a Sunday is just weird, right? The problem with not booking a "party" is, now we can't bring cupcakes into the place, and we risk the chance of our kids getting trampled by older bigger kids. What kind of a birthday party doesn't have cupcakes? So much for overdoing it.

I asked Elie what kind of a cake she wants. She said banana. And of course, we don't have any ripe spotted bananas on hand. They're almost impossible to find at the store (the commissary's bananas are neon green), we usually buy them a week in advance. I offered other flavors, trying to make them all sound just as exciting, but no- she has her heart set on banana cake. Of course I'll do whatever I can tomorrow, to find ripe bananas for her, even if it means knocking on every door of every house in my neighborhood and begging total strangers to help me save my daughters special day.

Oh, and half of her birthday presents, were school related. A new backpack, new lunch supplies ...since she was supposed to start pre school next week. Supposed to. Well wouldn't you know, the other day we got a letter in the mail saying that the headstart program was all filled up, and she'd be put on the waiting list. And we're low, on the waiting list. Wayyy down at the bottom, where chances of her getting accepted are non existent. Crap. Now I have to swap out those gifts, and I don't have any others to replace them with. She'll never know the difference of course, having a few less gifts, but- I will.

And how do I tell her that she can't go to school? Thank goodness she has no concept of time, and I can take as long as I want to come up with the perfect "but I need you as my very special big sister helper here at home" story.


My netbook has a webcam!


Tonight around 6:00, Christopher took the kids to Sam's Club to do some we-can't-go-another-day-without-these-things shopping, and Evelyn and I headed upstairs, and we (drool on the pillow) crashed.

I haven't taken a nap since I got discharged from the hospital. Can you believe that? Major abdominal surgery, nursing a newborn around the clock- and... I'm about to crack.

Sometimes I wonder if its maybe a little bit of postpartum depression trying to sneak its way into my day to day (I seriously cry at everything), or ...do I just need more sleep? Both? God I'm so tired.

After our nap, Evelyn was wide awake. Its rare that her eyes (will they be green, maybe?) are open, so when they are, I take full advantage of it. I nursed her, and then layed out a blanket and let her kick. We took her out of her preemie sleeper, and put her into a larger newborn size, so she could fully stretch out those long legs of hers. In that moment, things seemed alright. The bed was made, the other babies were in bed, the house was quiet. Its all going to be alright, I thought. And then...

My husband brought up an entire platter of comfort food for himself (homemade chicken nuggets, tater tots, freshly mixed dipping sauce), and handed me a bag of corn chips, for dinner. *Commence breakdown*

Finding my balance, folks. Finding... my... balance...

29 comments:

Christina August 16, 2010 at 11:13 PM  

I remember feeling very overwhelmed for the first 3 weeks especially after Kavi was born! Sending a big hug your way! This motherhood stuff is a very hard job. But you do it very very well.

Allison @ I heart Change August 16, 2010 at 11:44 PM  

I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I know they'll get better. You know they will too. And I'm totally impressed that didn't end with 'we had to go to the ER so they could surgically remove corn chips from Chris's scalp.'

Put your neon green bananas in a paper bag and set them outside in the shade and they'll get brown and ripe very fast. Or perhaps you could use baby food bananas? I've done that before for pancakes but not cake.

Rj and Jessie August 16, 2010 at 11:44 PM  

*HUGS* I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I hope it gets better really fast. I wish I could help you. :/

beka August 16, 2010 at 11:57 PM  

Awwww, man.
Tough stuff, mama!
Sometimes I wish I could come down there and help out...so you could have a nap. Oh, and we ahve about 5 nice-sized perfectly spotted bananas on our counter, so I can bring those too. :D

Lauren August 17, 2010 at 12:42 AM  

That sucks that your staples got infected. You're just recovering from major surgery and your life has completely changed. Give it time, T.

The Girl Made From Color August 17, 2010 at 2:03 AM  

I want to be there to give you a great big hug. If I could, I'd give Elie Aidan's spot in head start, but we're too far away.

I'd bake you cookies if I could. And I really feel that I should have found a week to get to you for these two weeks off that I have.

Chelsea August 17, 2010 at 4:08 AM  

isn't that first week a whirlwind!? i feel like our first week with conrad was crazy and went by before we knew it. you almost dont know if it's morning or evening.

What a sweet little one you've got! Hurray for babies!

Lindsay I-F August 17, 2010 at 5:57 AM  

Things will work themselves out. They will! xo.

Nen August 17, 2010 at 6:43 AM  

oh my... i can imagine why you'd be on the verge of a breakdown every second!
i'm sure eleanore won't remember if you went "all out" for her birthday... but she'll enjoy whats happening as it's happening and that's what matters most! good luck in pulling it all together... i hope christopher is off work to help(?)!!
hoping you get some energy back and that things fall into a nice routine... SOON!

Jennifer August 17, 2010 at 8:44 AM  

Oh, just remember that we're all thinking about you! You're so very strong. You'll make it through! If it makes you feel any better, you're my inspiration as a mom. I don't have kids yet, but I hope that when I do, I'm HALF as wonderful a mother that you are. :)

(long time reader, first time commenter here)

Maggie August 17, 2010 at 8:52 AM  

Awww big hugs to you! Miss Elie is 4, I think as long as you can make the day as much as possible about HER, she won't care so much about the specifics of the party or the gift. Let her wear a tiara and a special outfit all day, fuss over her as much as possible, making even the soothing baby chats be all about telling Evelyn about her fabulous big sister who is 4 yrs old. She'll have great memories of being princess for the day, and you can probably pull it off with stuff you already have on hand.

By the way, in our area, 7-eleven stores usually have bananas in varying degrees of ripeness. It shouldn't be too costly if you just need a few.

Loddelina August 17, 2010 at 9:42 AM  

You are doing an amazing job, Tia!

I hope you get some well deserved rest and am looking forward to reading more posts from the other side of motherhood!

(By the way, why is your babystrology countdown stuck on 8 days to go?)

Casey August 17, 2010 at 10:26 AM  

You know how people always say things like "You already have two kids, what's one more?" and you think, "yeah, what's one more?" well, in reality one more is like 15 more because they are all so demanding and the less time you have for each child, the more demanding they get.

It's so normal to be overwhelmed, Tia. And you had major surgery & have hormones going haywire right now.
We are all here to support you, and take it from the mama with 1/2 dozen kid- YOU can do this, I know what kind of mama you are. You are amazing. I'm here for you whenever you need me, I am a pro at wrangling up to 6 kids at any given moment. xoxoxo

Kunklebaby August 17, 2010 at 11:14 AM  

Awww Tia, sending some virtual hugs! The first month is alwyas the hardest and the craziest!Hormones are going nuts, especially the first week. I thought I might be losing my mind the first week of baby unicorns life, but a calm-[or controlled chaos, lol]- has started to come over the house now.

Just take one day at a time, one hour if need be! Eleanore knows you love her and that's the MOST important thing. I'm sure she will have a wonderful birthday no matter what happens! Just tell her how special she is & how much you love her.

AlyGatr August 17, 2010 at 11:30 AM  

HUGS Momma. Finding the balance is the HARDEST part. I have a feeling you are just exhausted and...well exhausted. I'm SOOOO glad you got a nap and it always sounds so hollow telling another Mom "it will get better" when it's not you, but...it will. I'm sure whatever celebration that you have for Ellie that she will be SO happy :)

One day at a time my friend!

Oh Mandie August 17, 2010 at 12:07 PM  

Hugs and love and sweetness to you! It gets easier Mama, I promise. And you will find your balance, but it takes time. Take life moment by moment and things will come easier.

You guys are certainly in my thoughts and prayers!

AM from White House, Black Shutters August 17, 2010 at 12:09 PM  

*HUGS!*

Although three is harder than two, I'm sure, I felt like this not too long ago. Hopefully you'll be able to catch up on naps and things will get into a new sense of normal.

Don't fret about the school supplies! If you can't make it to the store, you guys can always play school with the new supplies. Make her a lunch, put some paper and books in the backpack, etc. I'm sure she'll love it and it'll help prepare her for next year.

Lots and lots of hugs to you guys. Could you send me your address, I'd like to send a little something.

-Ann Marie

CraftGirlAlli August 17, 2010 at 12:29 PM  

Getting adjusted to a new schedule and new routine is hard! You're a strong woman and a wonderful momma, don't ever doubt that! Our "mommy guilt" always weighs more than what our children will actually remember...so try not to beat yourself up too much.

Hang in there! It's all worth it!

Betsy August 17, 2010 at 12:32 PM  

Aww, hang in there, mama! I can't imagine how hard it must be with 3 little ones. You are totally a supermom!

Happy Birthday to Eleanor! And I'm so sorry to hear about school being full. :( That totally stinks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an opening.

emily August 17, 2010 at 12:52 PM  

You can do it, Mama! I kept trying to comment yesterday and it wouldn't work: I rarely say one way or another about newborns, but THAT LITTLE GIRL looks just like her daddy :)

xo

considerthelillies August 17, 2010 at 1:37 PM  

you have been through a lot and hormones are going willy nilly! Don't panic, this too shall pass! Just keep giving those hugs and snuggles to all the kiddies and take one day at a time, Eleanor knows you love her and she is special and that is what matters most for her birthday! You are a great Mama and wife!

Erika Lee Sears August 17, 2010 at 2:00 PM  

You can do this and you can only do one thing at a time and you can only do you best. :) Today is a new day! This is what I always tell myself when life is hard.

Mitzie August 17, 2010 at 2:41 PM  

I had the SAME exactly thought that a poster (closer to the top) had!! IF I was close, I'd totally grab your two older kids and entertain them so you could nap!! I'd also remind your husband about HOW you must feel a week after giving birth , plus 2 other kids, plus a house to maintain, plus abdominal surgery, plus a birthday to plan. (guys are kind of EXTREMELY clueless at exactly the wrong times.) You'll get yourself into a new routine soon enough and you'll be back to "normal" soon too.

Rachel Elizabeth August 17, 2010 at 7:38 PM  

I don't know how you do it. I can barely handle just the newborn.

Anika August 17, 2010 at 9:56 PM  

Hang in there Tia! That first little part is tough...a new way of life will settle itself soon. I hope you heal up soon!
xo
Anika

Belated Congrats by the way...baby is adorable.

TXadventureGirl August 17, 2010 at 11:07 PM  

Even though we have not met please know that you are in my thoughts. I mean it...I really have thought about you when I come home from a long day and get on my laptop and wonder if there will be a post from Tia with cute pictures. My hubby and I are not blessed with children so I cannot pretend to know what you are going through but I wanted you to know that in our infertility I find it difficult to be with my friends with kids in person but I enjoy watching how you interpret your kids and ya'lls life through the lens of your camera. Feel better as soon as you can. :)

lala [mrs. new guy] August 18, 2010 at 12:13 AM  

oh i winced reading about you getting your staples out! i'm so sorry that you're having all this trouble. babies seem to be lots of pain and no sleeping!

of course i showed my husband your pics of eleanor and he was cooing like a girl over her. :]

good job tia on makin' a cutie. :D

Mrs. Muffins August 18, 2010 at 4:38 PM  

Ugh, I know all about that mom guilt. I can't imagine three babies worth of it! But you're doing more-than-an-amazing job! I know being sleep deprived can cause a whole sleuth of emotions so hopefully that's all it is. Thinking of you!!!! <3

SingleMamaAdventures August 19, 2010 at 8:08 PM  

Hey mamacita, this is @candiestaken...I am so late, with this but Congrats on such a beautiful baby girl! I wish you a speedy recovery and enjoy being waited on and enjoy that wonderful newborn smell that doesn't wash away for months.

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