Thursday, April 24, 2008
If you're a man and you're about to start reading this, I want you to know that you're more than welcome to stay, in fact, I encourage it. But first you need to know, that today we're going to talk about periods! Yay! ...Ladies, shall we? We shall. ...They say that friends share their cycles. The more time you spend around someone, the closer your cycles become. Well mine is any second away, so I'm feeling crappy as ever this morning. Anyone else about to take a big dose of bitch? Ugh. I remember the exact moment I started my very first period. I was in middle school, the 7th grade. Which puts me at 12 years old? I already had boobs. Those came way before my monthly. In the 6th grade I was approached in the hallway by a teacher actually, who pulled me aside and proceeded to explain to me that it was no longer acceptable for me to not wear a bra. They said it was a distraction (to who?!), and unhealthy (your mom's unhealthy). I went home and cried to my mother, who then took me to the scariest old woman's bra shop that ever did exist, and my very first bra, was a 36C. Seriously, scary old lady had me in enough straps to suspend me from a tall building. For that very embarrassing reason, my Eleanore will start wearing pretend bras as soon as she wants to, which will then lead to real bras, and proper boob care. But back to when I started my period. So, I was the typical unpopular fat girl. And when I say this, try not to take it too seriously. Its all in fun. My only friends were the other fat girls, and we all sat at the fat girl table in the cafeteria. If you're a fellow fat girl, you'll understand how this works. And you'll also understand how when you get old enough to start changing in locker rooms, you opt for the bathroom stall instead. I liked the middle stall. One time when I was changing in there, none of my classmates knew I was in the room, and proceeded to call me every name in the book and come up with a thousand and three insults. Its a fat girls worst nightmare, hearing the popular girls playing with her insecurities. When I got the nerve to walk out of the stall, and straight out of the locker room, they all knew I had heard them, and it was almost like a classic movie scene complete with crying and running down the hallway. One of the girls, I think it was Jennifer O'niel (one of the pretty popular girls that I knew I would never be, who also happened to be my neighbor), followed me to an outside bench, where she apologized. At least one of them cared. It was that same middle stall that I started my period in. It was right after gym class. My best friend at the time, Bryana Cline, was in the stall next to me. We were talking the entire time. I think doing Ace Ventura Pet Detective impersonations. Yep, that's how cool I was. And then I remember looking down and thinking "what in the hell is all of this yucky brownish red crap?". But then I realize, Oh, I'm a woman now! And then I got so excited I think I shouted "He-llo, womanhood!". Once we both got out of our locker room hideaways, we jumped up and down holding hands with excitement Babysitters Club style. Little did I know what was in store for me. It took months to figure out how to get a handle of the overflows, and the cramps, and the everything else associated with the shedding of my uterine lining. Do you remember your first couple of spills? White underwear was soon a thing of the past. As well as unstained jeans, and freshness. Ew. And what is that smell?! It would have been nice if someone would have handed me a box of diaper wipes and said "this will help", know what I'm sayin'? My mom had bought me a box of tampons though, that I would set up on the bathroom counter next to me. I'd stare at the how-to pictures on the back with wide eyes, and hold an unwrapped tampon in my right hand. There was no way I was sticking that in there. I tried a few times, but it just wasn't happening. So I wore the big bulky pads until I was ready to introduce Ricky to Lucy. Oh how much better they were! Seriously, whoever invented the tampon, thank you. Things got less messy. I felt liberated. My period sucked 50% less. As I got older my periods got worse. Much worse. Super worse. My cramps would get so bad that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. I'd lay there and think about how much I hated being a woman, and stuff my face full of chocolate while watching Beaches. My flow was so heavy that I'd have to wear a tampon, and a pad. My mom told me that wasn't normal, but what was I supposed to do ya know? Bleed everywhere? Soon even that wouldn't work, because using a tampon became painful (why god, why?!), and I had to go back to pads alone. Overnight pads during the day seem to do the trick. I still catch myself trash talking tampon commercials when I see them on TV. Its so not fair. In October 2007, I had a laparoscopic surgery, confirming that I have Endometriosis. An incurable disease where the uterine lining grows wherever it damn well pleases. Whats that mean, you ask? It means a LOT of pain, infertility, internal bleeding, food intolerance's, ect. My mom had suffered from this, and had a hysterectomy when she was 35. I wasn't really aware of it when it was happening to her. I was young, and my parents did a good job keeping me out of it. I'll most likely have a hysterectomy someday too. Its not a cure, but I hear it helps a hell of a lot. Until then, I want to pop out babies like a popcorn maker at the movie theater. We've been trying for our 2nd child for a year with no luck. Tomorrow, this dreaded thing that we were all at one point excited about (what were we thinking?), will be here to ruin my weekend. Watch out folks, Aunt Flo is in town staying at the Herman Hotel. Put on your pj's, put your hair in pigtails, and lets talk periods!