I <3 cleavage.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Alright ladies, this has gone on long enough. Every day women come into my work looking for a new bra. They walk over to the bra section, start flipping through sizes, and then glance around the room waiting to make eye contact with someone that will ask "are you finding everything alright?". If you are, great. If you're not, well then I'll help you. But here's the catch. You have to actually listen to what I say. So you're an older lady, and you want some support for the girls. I understand how it is (well, not yet I don't, but I can imagine). If you want support for the twins, then you need an underwire, and you need padding. ..."But its uncomfortable. It pokes me under the arm. It feels too stiff. It looks too big". Well ma'am, then your knockers are going to continue to get (and look) knocked around. Here's one with an underwire and a little padding, strap your breasts in, and lets get you some sexy matching panties for grandpa to look at, yeehaw! Lets move on to a new scenario. This lady is looking for a bra, and I say "would you like to be fitted?". She says yes, because even though this woman is 34 years old, shes never ever been measured, and really doesn't know what size to wear. I ask her to turn around and lift her arms. "It looks like you're a 46 D" I say to her. She stares back at me blankly. Like how dare I. "No. I'm wearing a 38 DD right now, so that can't be right". Oh, okay then. Well don't let me stop you from wearing the incorrect size. By all means, go right on ahead and strain your back. Sag on sister. Good thing she asked me to measure her huh? I politely respond with "well you can wear whatever you're comfortable with wearing, but you're measuring in at a 46 D. I guarantee that if you try it, you'll see a huge difference". Most of the time I'll see that same lady at the register later, buying the size I measured her at. But sometimes I'll get the occasional customer that just does not want to let go of her I-wore-this-40-pounds-ago Walmart bra. And that's fine, shes more than welcome to wear whatever bra makes her feel good about herself. Heck, I used to wear bras like that. I had this one bra a few years ago. The underwire had popped out, and was digging into my skin so badly that I still have a scar from it. One day I had accidentally locked myself out of my studio apartment. After banging my head on the closed door repeatedly, trying to figure out how I could avoid calling a locksmith and forking over $50, I pulled the underwire out from underneath my armpit, and popped the door open like freakin' MacGyuver. That's right, my cheap bra saved the day. If you've got a crappy bra, you might as well rock it, right? Moving on. ...And then there are the women that don't know what size they wear, but just do not want to be fitted. They'd rather try on every single bra in the dang store, than let you anywhere near their chest. So I run back and forth from the bras to the fitting rooms, handing her bra after bra after bra over the top of the door. She insists shes a C cup. I can tell just by looking at her, shes hauling around DDD's. So girls. Grab your measuring tape, because you're way overdue for a bra fit.

Step 1- wrap the measuring tape around the fullest part of your bust (right about where your nips are). Document that number.
Step 2- move the tape down right below your breasts, where your bra band sits. Document that number.
Step 3- Subtract the bottom number, from the top number.

Easy as pie right? Once you've figured out the difference in inches, you can figure out your cup size.
1" = A
2" = B
3" = C
4" = D
5" = DD
6" = DDD
7" = F
8" = G
9" = H

Me, I measure 47 at the Bust, and 40 at the band. I'm a 40 F. I'd love to hear any bra horror stories in the form of comments. And I hope these bra fitting instructions were able to help some of you!

From top to bottom:
-"Boob Job", by LaCoque, $5.70.


glitterstar April 20, 2008 at 1:12 AM  

I enjoyed reading your bra post. I'll have to go measure myself now. :)

Anam Cara Candles April 20, 2008 at 9:08 AM  

oh man so true so true. I am guilty of so many things you listed. I think there is a stigma on the number, I know I have one! I would love to say 38, seems cuter plus usually cute bras stop at 38. I always have problems with cup size, even with measuring & subtracting. I have heard you can go down a cup size, increase your width size. I would love to have a bra that doesn't dig, shift, poke. LMAO I think I need steel scaffolding for my girls, they ain't what they used to be.

Anonymous,  April 20, 2008 at 9:17 AM  

Great post! I gotta say I was a holdout for a little while. I lost some weigth and put off getting new bras (they are supposed to be loose, right!?!). When I finally got fitted... well, I love my new bras... that fit... and make the girls look much better. :) Happy day.

Shell Mitchell April 20, 2008 at 9:24 AM  

OMG - hilarious! I'm going to measure to make sure my girls are wearing the right size.

Recoverybabe April 20, 2008 at 10:37 AM  

just wanted to say that you're effing hilarious. And I've never been fitted, but I think that's what I'm gonna do today!


Megan April 20, 2008 at 10:38 AM  

I TOTALLY know what you're saying! I used to work in the intimates dept. at Macy's and whenever I would measure someone, they would look disgusted if the measurement wasn't the size they were wearing. If you don't want to know, don't ask me to measure you!

Cover That Mother April 20, 2008 at 10:48 AM  

The Maguyver scene made me cry with laughter:D

I fit in the "40lbs ago" group. I lost 40 lbs and still haven't broke down and bought a new bra. I went as far as stitching my bra band smaller!

This post is hilarious and brightened up my morning:)

Deabusamor April 20, 2008 at 10:57 AM  

Gosh, that's just too funny. I'd love to have a fitting just because I don't really know what size I am but all the girls are so snooty and annoying at my stores.

Christopher And Tia April 20, 2008 at 11:58 AM  

All of your responses are so dang funny. I'm cracking up, because I know that most of you are probably looking from the screen, and then down to your boobs. Screen... boobs... screen... boobs. HAHA!

Ericka Bailie-Byrne April 20, 2008 at 12:12 PM  

Unfortunately, every time I've been measured/fitted (at Macy's & LB) it's been wrong, because once I get those (underwired & padded) bras home they start doing what they always do, dropping my boobs out the bottom as soon as I move too much. So I now stick to trying on a variety of sizes because that tends to work better than the ladies with measuring tape. I never make the sales clerks fetch anything for me, though.

Chucka Stone Designs April 20, 2008 at 1:14 PM  

Last time I was in Vicky's they tried to measure me but kept saying I was between sizes. It doesn't help when THEY stare blankly back at YOU in the fitting room. lol I used to work in a bra room so I was laughing at every line. Great blog!

soapdeli April 20, 2008 at 1:15 PM  

Uh. 32.5"/29.5" Does that make me a 30C? They don't make 30C's. So I wear a 32B at last setting. But the band is too tight. I wear a 34 A at the first setting and the band is too loose and the cups a smidge too big. What size am I?

Karma by Morgan April 20, 2008 at 2:00 PM  

I enjoyed that a lot! And you give good advice, I have never been measured so I might try this formula later

Anonymous,  April 20, 2008 at 5:05 PM  

I'm remiss to admit this but I'm 31 and it has been FOREVER since I've been measured. FOR-eeeeeeeeeeeVER!! My sister (NOT a helpful one), keeps saying, "Dang, those have gotten big!" but I keep wearing the same size brassiere. So, this post was very timely for me; I'll measure asap. Besides, bra-shopping (anything-shopping, really) is great fun! Thanks!!

ThisOldHenHouse April 21, 2008 at 4:16 AM  

Ooooh I hope when I'm an old grandma I'll have some sexy underoos for "grandpa to look at" ... lol!

Rocking the 38DD and proud of it! (And yes I got fitted, and then refitted after both of my kiddios... love me some VS pushups!)

Anonymous,  April 21, 2008 at 10:45 AM  

I am so doing this tonight. I need to know the truth!

GREAT blog, and thanks for posting our pendant from La Coque

Cicada Studio April 21, 2008 at 12:36 PM  

K. I never thought I'd admit this, but how I wish I was back to my good old days of being a 32A. It was a horror growing up with nearly no boobs, but now, at 38 and 2 kids later, it's waaaaaay more horrifying to be a 36A. Nope, no bigger cup size for this mamma. I just got wider.

Crafty Mama April 23, 2008 at 10:06 AM  

I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Show me someone with a genuine hatred for all the human race, and I'll show you someone who works in retail."

As a former clothing salesperson, I had to laugh and sympathize with you.

Anonymous,  April 23, 2008 at 4:11 PM  

AWWW Tia I love you! People will never understand the hell we go through at work! Stupid ladies and their bras! haha


Kristen April 23, 2008 at 4:16 PM  

Aww Tia I love you! People will never realize the hell we go through to try and find them one friggen bra! Stupid ladies and their bras!

(p.s. I might possibly post this twice, technology is not on my side today)

Tatyana April 23, 2008 at 11:00 PM  

haha this is by far the most interesting blog post I've read in a while :P I totally have to add you to my blog links now!

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