I <3 cleavage.

Alright ladies, this has gone on long enough. Every day women come into my work looking for a new bra. They walk over to the bra section, start flipping through sizes, and then glance around the room waiting to make eye contact with someone that will ask "are you finding everything alright?". If you are, great. If you're not, well then I'll help you. But here's the catch. You have to actually listen to what I say. So you're an older lady, and you want some support for the girls. I understand how it is (well, not yet I don't, but I can imagine). If you want support for the twins, then you need an underwire, and you need padding. ..."But its uncomfortable. It pokes me under the arm. It feels too stiff. It looks too big". Well ma'am, then your knockers are going to continue to get (and look) knocked around. Here's one with an underwire and a little padding, strap your breasts in, and lets get you some sexy matching panties for grandpa to look at, yeehaw! Lets move on to a new scenario. This lady is looking for a bra, and I say "would you like to be fitted?". She says yes, because even though this woman is 34 years old, shes never ever been measured, and really doesn't know what size to wear. I ask her to turn around and lift her arms. "It looks like you're a 46 D" I say to her. She stares back at me blankly. Like how dare I. "No. I'm wearing a 38 DD right now, so that can't be right". Oh, okay then. Well don't let me stop you from wearing the incorrect size. By all means, go right on ahead and strain your back. Sag on sister. Good thing she asked me to measure her huh? I politely respond with "well you can wear whatever you're comfortable with wearing, but you're measuring in at a 46 D. I guarantee that if you try it, you'll see a huge difference". Most of the time I'll see that same lady at the register later, buying the size I measured her at. But sometimes I'll get the occasional customer that just does not want to let go of her I-wore-this-40-pounds-ago Walmart bra. And that's fine, shes more than welcome to wear whatever bra makes her feel good about herself. Heck, I used to wear bras like that. I had this one bra a few years ago. The underwire had popped out, and was digging into my skin so badly that I still have a scar from it. One day I had accidentally locked myself out of my studio apartment. After banging my head on the closed door repeatedly, trying to figure out how I could avoid calling a locksmith and forking over $50, I pulled the underwire out from underneath my armpit, and popped the door open like freakin' MacGyuver. That's right, my cheap bra saved the day. If you've got a crappy bra, you might as well rock it, right? Moving on. ...And then there are the women that don't know what size they wear, but just do not want to be fitted. They'd rather try on every single bra in the dang store, than let you anywhere near their chest. So I run back and forth from the bras to the fitting rooms, handing her bra after bra after bra over the top of the door. She insists shes a C cup. I can tell just by looking at her, shes hauling around DDD's. So girls. Grab your measuring tape, because you're way overdue for a bra fit.

Step 1- wrap the measuring tape around the fullest part of your bust (right about where your nips are). Document that number.

Step 2- move the tape down right below your breasts, where your bra band sits. Document that number.
Step 3- Subtract the bottom number, from the top number.

Easy as pie right? Once you've figured out the difference in inches, you can figure out your cup size.

1" = A

2" = B

3" = C

4" = D

5" = DD

6" = DDD

7" = F

8" = G

9" = H

Me, I measure 47 at the Bust, and 40 at the band. I'm a 40 F. I'd love to hear any bra horror stories in the form of comments. And I hope these bra fitting instructions were able to help some of you!

From top to bottom:

-"My boobs are real", by cuckoobrainstudios, $1.75.

-"Boob Job", by LaCoque, $5.70.

-"Happy Birthday", by jeanfrancisbean, $3.50