17/366

We had a hard time last night. I slept on the couch again, so that I wouldn't give in to nursing Evelyn back to sleep when she woke up crying at 1am. And 2am. And 3am. And 4 am. Christopher was a trooper, rocking her back and forth on his shoulder for hours. I did it though- I stood my ground. Or... slept my couch, is more like it. But even though I wasn't up there in the cold bedroom with them, my eyes still popped open every time she shouted. And just the slightest movement- tossing, turning, itching my chin- hurt my bruised breasts so much I thought I might explode.

Christopher and I were fighting sometime in the late morning- lack of sleep, shaken emotions, stress from the move, strain from medical testings- over the stupidest thing, and just when I had buried my face in my hands and let out a nice loud "aaaarrrggghhh!", I paused, lifted my head from my tear stained fingers, and looked around the room for my son.

Its so easy to get caught up in the moment, and to forget about how it might be effecting the babies. I hate it when I do this. And lately, I do this a lot. I remember seeing my parents fight when I was a kid, and it was the very worst thing ever. Even worse than when Barbie's head popped off. Even worse than fire drill day on the school bus. Because as a kid- you can't escape it.

So I instantly shut if off, cleared my throat, changed my tone of voice, and asked "Charlie what are you doing?". He was laying on the floor between the ottoman and the couch, pillows and blankets piled on top of him, binky in his mouth. He was scared. And seeing this, and realizing that I we had made him feel that way, just slapped me straight in the face.

He mumbled something about cars and driving, I didn't understand any of it from the other side of his worn out pacifier, and then popped his head up so that I could clearly see his adorable puppy dog eyes.

"Come snuggle with me?" I asked.
"Okay" he simply replied.

And then he climbed up onto the couch, struggling to pull himself over the cushions with his ragged lovey in one hand and a fleece dinosaur blanket in another, he layed his head down in the folds of my legs, and in a whisper he said, "I'm loving on you".



I lightly drummed my fingertips from one end of his forehead to the other, and down around near his ear. I didn't realize that this would put him to sleep. I can't even remember the last time that he fell asleep in my lap like that- its been years. So I sat there, holding him. I listened to his breathing get heavier, until he was releasing a slight snore, but I still couldn't bring myself to move him. It was just too perfect. Being there entranced in a snuggle gave me time to block out everything else, and just think. Really think. About the way that I present myself to my children, and how I could maybe pay better attention to my on/off switch.

Sometime after a trip to the hospital for the last of some last-minute-before-we-leave-this-base tests, a trip to Dyess Elementary to pick up Miss Eleanore from another rockin' day of kindergarten, a trip to the post office to send off a package that is long overdue for a friend in Norway, and a trip to the commissary for the next 3 nights worth of dinner- I gave in and nursed the baby.

After going back and forth in my head all day, I came to the conclusion that its just too much right now. We're moving out of our house on Saturday- the only house shes ever known, goodbye bed, see ya later routine- maybe taking away the breast is just a little bit of overkill? She needs some sense of normalcy right now.

So I made a choice- only at night before bed, and in the morning upon waking. I will not feed her in the night (unless shes sick), and I will not feed her during the day (she can take a sippy or bottle). And slowly, over time, after we get settled into our new normal- maybe then we can try again?

Today was difficult. Just like yesterday was. But at the end of the day, we all shared a delicious meal together, finished our homework (even though we maybe rushed through it so that we could play with our new highlights calander that came in the mail), we played Lego Harry Potter, we read bedtime stories, and we thanked God for all of the things that we're blessed with.

And now Christopher and I are watching Ghostbusters 2, playing words, and drinking tea together. A nice little post chaos date. Also, I fully plan on carbo-loading now that my tests are over with. I've had enough facial numbness and star seeing for one day- bring on the honey pb rice cakes!

16/366

Today has been all over the place. All play, little chores. Which is probably the opposite of what we needed to be doing, but- then again, who decides that?

I say we play.

So we had leftover pumpkin oatmeal bake for breakfast, paired with perfectly brewed organic coffee topped off with freshly made almond milk. The weather outside was beautiful- almost like being on the Oregon coast- so whats a better thing to do, then go to the zoo? ...So much fun was had. Charlie especially, really went crazy. Being outside on a cloudy day (opposed to suffering the never ending showers of sunshine that we usually feel) is amazing for me and Charlie- it was like being outside for the first time ever. Watching his seemingly endless bounds of energy, the normalcy in skin color, the happiness in his high pitched toddler voice- God I wish it were cloudy more often.

I decided not to bring in my camera. This was probably our last trip to the Abilene zoo, and I just wanted to live it, rather than document it. I did whip out my phone for a few pictures here and there- because no matter how hard I try, I just can't resist- but my Canon stayed in between the seats on the floor in the car.

After the zoo, and a really exciting ride on a train, we made a detour to the Natural Food Store in town, for lunch.

This is something we never do. We never go out to eat. Ever.
But today it just seemed like the thing to do?



So the kids had rice and bean plates, avocado instead of cheese. Christopher had a big giant gluten free burrito. And I had a blueberry smoothie- hold the yogurt, gimme almond.



Something about the way that the smoothies come in styrofoam cups with fancy straws and lids- it just makes me feel fancy. Aaaand I took a picture of it?



But what our day has really been about, is weaning the baby. Its something that I've been needing to do for a few months, and yesterday I made the decision. Its time.

We put her to bed last night like usual, and then- that was it. I slept on the couch so that when she woke up in the night, I wouldn't be there to make it harder. And I held strong all day long. It wasn't until this evening that my heart really started to hurt.

Nursing is something that we've done since she was born. She latched on immediately, and its been a part of our beautiful relationship ever since.

So to take that away from her- ugh, its just killing me.

She wasn't herself today at all. I can tell that she feels unloved. Shes hurt. Shes angry. Shes confused. She cries out for it, but all I can do is hold her. She rests her head on my shoulder and moans, almost like she asking me "why Mommy?! Why not?!". When I nurse her, I usually run my fingers through her hair. And its something that irritates her, she almost always pushes my hand away. But today, while I was holding her in my lap, she reached over and grabbed my hand, and pulled it up to her forehead and cheek.

I think that was the moment that it hit me- how hard this is. I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

I hate to hurt my baby.

She took a few sips of apple juice from a sippy cup before bed tonight, something that shes never done before, but I know that shes dehydrated and hungry, since she refused to eat or drink just about everything that we've offered her.

Give it another day. She'll get hungry enough. She'll get thirsty enough. She'll come around.

And all I can do is hope and pray and believe that she'll understand. I still love her. This isn't a punishment. She needs more nutrition than I can provide her with. Its time for me to have my body back, and time for her to grow hers.

Fingers crossed that we make it through the night. Fingers crossed that we make it through tomorrow.