It All Has To Start Somewhere

Last night Christopher and I watched that movie "Away We Go", have you seen it? The one where the cutest couple in the world (in terms of both personality and wardrobe) go on an adventure to figure out where they want to raise their unborn baby? With Jim from The Office and Maya Rudolph, the chick from SNL? ...Okay well anyways, I fell in love with that movie. I want to watch it over and over again. I didn't grow up feeling the way that Verona did (the pregnant lady, main character), towards her Mother. But I certainly do want my kids to feel that way about me.

I want to be a wonderful mother.

The movie reminded me to stop worrying about the stupid stuff. Making a mess in the kitchen, the other babies crying because I wasn't dividing my attention equally in that very moment (I'll never be able to do that)- things like that.

Because really, what stops me most of the time, from giving special attention to one child, is the thought of having to slightly neglect another in order to do it. Well I'm done with that. I'm done with the worry. They all need special attention, and they're going to have to take turns dealing with it.

So tonight I decided it was time that Eleanore start learning how to bake our way. Nobody else is going to teach her what flours do what, which starch has a more natural flavor, or what in the heck xanthan gum is- and besides, I want this kid baking circles around me by the time she hits middle school, so- we made biscuits.



With her hair a mess, and her hoodie on the floor- I pulled up a chair beside the counter for her to stand on, and closed the baby gate behind me, locking out intruders of the sibling and father variety.

She stood there in her pajama pants, anxious to learn. There were no distractions to break our concentration. Just a counter full of ingredients, the recipe taped to the cabinet in front of us, and a glass mixing bowl filled with tapioca, millet, and several other flours that would eventually come together to make up a side dish to our homemade chicken noodle soup.



She said she was cold, standing topless there in the kitchen, with her hoodie thrown onto the floor behind her. Well why didn't you wear a shirt then, go get one! ...but she didn't want to miss a thing.

Theres a rainbow in the bowl! she shouted
Do you see it there? Towards the middle? ...The sun was starting to set, and the light was streaming in through the back window, reflecting off of something and bouncing directly into our batter. Every time I'd press down and cut the butter into the flour, she'd yell "Stop! You're crunching the rainbow!".

No no, silly. Its still there. Even Mommy can't crunch a rainbow.

"Well I can!" ...so she said, taking the tools into her own hands.



Crunch, crunch, crunch
And then a minute or two later, the sun had moved enough to where- Eleanore really had crunched the rainbow away. It was gone, and all that was left in the bowl was un baked biscuits. With a new ingredient. ...rainbow.

She had put all of the ingredients into the bowl herself, even the messy potato starch that fluffs up into the air and gets all over the counter. She had scooped out the baking powder, and leveled it off on the canister like a big girl. Shes the one that mixed all of the wet into the dry, creating an oh so delicious adaptation of what most Americans usually buy from a pop open can. I'm proud of you Elie.



Look at her tiny hands, resting gently on the counter top, anxious for something more to do- something new to learn.

She wants to help.
She wants to have meaning.
She wants to discover who she is.

And today I realized that I'm the one that has to open her eyes and heart to anything and everything, because if I don't, who will?

...do you think I can steal a picture, in this beautiful moment of Mother daughter bonding?



Remember Eleanore, that it all has to start somewhere. And for you and me, it was in a bowl of gluten free biscuits.

Flashback Friday- A Happy Birthday To A Best Friend

I'm happy to say that this week has been much better than last week, although- things still aren't quite back to being one hundred percent (but really, will they ever be?).

But rather than filling up this space with a end of the week ranting recap, I'm going to dig into my photo box, and pick out the very best memories I have- for Kalii.

Today (because I'm writing this on Thursday night) is my best friends birthday. Earlier this week I had a moment of panic, where I had completely forgotten what day she was born on, cried hysterically on the couch, and send her a text message of all things, because I was too much of a mess to form words with my mouth, and apologized. Luckily, she understands what I'm going through lately, and forgave me without question.

Her opinion matters more to me than anybody elses, ever, so her forgiving me was like a jump start to my heart. What kind of Monster forgets their best friends birthday, anyways?

She knows me better than anybody. Christopher is catching up, due to his convenient location of sharing a bed with me, but- she will always understand me better than anybody else. And I, to her.

We call this picture "Fat Hand".
Kalii and I met in high school. We had a crappy dance class together, which she dropped out of (lucky), and then later on a study hall. We ran into each other at a show in Portland one night (Further Seems Forever, and A New Found Glory), both of us had gone alone. We ended up hanging out together that night, and then after that we were inseparable. We met up for coffee at the bookstore a few nights later, and then started going to shows together, and the next thing we knew, we were sharing penguin print pajama pants and I was falling asleep on her living room couch every other night.

We talk like each other. People ask if we're sisters.

We've only ever been in one fight.

She was there on my wedding day.
And I'll be there on hers (congratulations again, bride to be).



She wasn't able to come for the birth of my first baby, but I called her 1,000 times while I was in labor. I had been scheduled to be induced on a specific day, but my water had broken before then. She didn't have her phone with her, so I kept calling and leaving her voice mails. Every hour, I'd call her. I'd tell her how much it hurt when I was having a contraction, and during the calm moments, beg for her to answer. ...so in a way, she was there.

She flew to Texas shortly after. And she knew exactly how to love Eleanore. It came as natural to her, to love my baby, as it did to me. And thats why shes the Godmother of all 3 of my children.

We flew back home to Portland, that next Christmas (2006)...


Kalii & Eleanore


Driving around town


Taking pictures of ourselves drinking mochas?


Hanging out at her Mom's house


aaaand being absolutely awesome on the night before I went back home

I cried like a baby when I had to say goodbye. Because this time, saying goodbye to her was real. The time before that, when I had gone away to meet my husband at his basic training graduation in Texas, and to have my baby and start my new life as a mother and military spouse- I thought I'd be moving back. I thought the Air Force would take us home to Washington.

I was young and stupid.

So this time when I said goodbye, I knew that Portland wasn't my home anymore, and that "goodbye" meant, I'll see you when I see you, rather than, breakfast at The Paradox next week?



But we somehow managed to come back 8 months later, for Eleanore's first birthday.

And then shortly after that, she flew back out to Texas, for my first art show...


Eleanore just had to pick her nose, didn't she?

It was a short visit, that last one, but it sure was fun. We road tripped to Oklahoma City, we listened to good music, we stayed at an internet friends house, we got to go to a cool no-boys-allowed art show, and before she went back home we went to the zoo.

But that was the end of our frequent visits. When I became pregnant with Charlie, it was clear that we wouldn't be able to fly back home again. We could never afford it.

So a year went by.

And then another.

But for my 25th birthday, in May of 2009, she came back. To celebrate my quarter life, to crawl around on the floor playing kitty cats with Eleanore, and to meet Charlie for the first time...




I don't know how I didn't take more pictures that trip. I think I was so caught up in the 3 day moment, that my brain didn't even register how quickly it would pass me by.

When I took her to the airport, it was the hardest goodbye we've had yet. I cried so hard, on my way out to my car, that a complete stranger stopped me to ask me if I was okay. By the time I got to my car, my phone rang. Kalii was inside the airport bathroom, doing the exact same thing I was.

Hyperventilating.

I'm crying right now, while I write this. Never in my life have I missed anybody so much. When I talk to her on the phone, which is rare (its hard, ya know?), my entire day changes. Anything that was hurting me, is suddenly pain free. Any worries that I may have had, gone. She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She brings out the part of me that has been buried under thousands of dirty diapers and hundreds of empty plastic bags from trips to the grocery store. She brings me to life.



We skyped, recently. She got to "meet" Evelyn. She got to see my red hair. I got to see her new short curls, and her naked Christmas tree slumped against a corner in her apartment that I've never been to. It was awkward at first, not having talked to her face to face in a year and a half, and here we were saying "what?!" over and over again, because we couldn't hear each other, through a screen. But when we ended the call- I couldn't stop smiling. My spirits had been lifted. It was kind of like I had never moved away. Like there hadn't been years stacking up between us.

We were back at the warped tour, dancing on stage to our favorite bands, and driving through flat lands looking for rest areas.

We were eating biscuits at My Fathers Place.

We were meeting at midnight for a Dennys cup of coffee, a gawk at the mullet and his wife spending their life savings at the stuffed animal crane machine, and a drive around The Couv in our matching brightly colored Ford Escorts.



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Flashback with us! Go through your polaroids, scrapbooks, old crappy cell phone pictures- whatever you've got. Scan them, upload them, get them onto the computer somehow, and then share them with the world! Or... with us at least. Post them onto your blogs, write a little bit to go with them- tell us your story. When you're all finished, grab one of our buttons from down below (wayyyy down there at the bottom of our page) and put it somewhere inside your post (or link back to us the old fashioned text way). Come back here to this post, and add your link to the photo list below!